


Resident Evil on Crack

by Illneverbethin



Category: Biohazard | Resident Evil (Gameverse)
Genre: Crack, Multi, Piers is alive and he wants some steak
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-09-03
Updated: 2020-09-28
Packaged: 2021-03-06 15:00:11
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 6
Words: 807
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26260780
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Illneverbethin/pseuds/Illneverbethin
Summary: This is literally memes but with Resident Evil characters.
Relationships: Chris Redfield & Albert Wesker, Leon S. Kennedy & Claire Redfield, Leon S. Kennedy/Chris Redfield, Piers Nivans/Steak
Comments: 4
Kudos: 31





	1. I’m washing me and my clothes

**Author's Note:**

> I know it’s cringe, but I’m bored. I might just delete the whole thing later

“Jesus, Leon...what are you doing?” Chris shook his head as he walked in the bathroom. He knew that Leon had a drinking habit, but he had never gotten this drunk before.

His boyfriend was sitting in his bathtub with his _full fucking outfit on._

“What does it look like? I’m saving water.” “By doing what?” He asked in disbelief.

“I’m washing me and my clothes.” “Oh my god, Claire, come see this!”

Chris’ younger sister walked in and leaned against the doorway. “Leon, what the hell?” She looked at her friend laying in the bathtub with a drunken smirk on his face.

“I’m washing me and my clothes.” Chris turned to face his sister. “He’s drunk as fuck.” “ **Bitch** **,** I’m washing me and my clothes.” Leon crossed his arms and sank back into the water.


	2. Chris! Is that a WEED?

Chris was cleaning out a box full of things that he and Claire had used in their childhood times.

He chuckled when he picked up a green crayon that he would use all the time. It was almost gone, but as a kid, he barely even took notice of it. 

“Chris!” His sister called. “Is that a weed?!” “No, this is a crayo—” “I’m calling the police!” 

Chris thought Claire was joking until she ran to their phone and dialed 911.

His heart sank when he heard a familiar voice come from the phone.

“911. What’s your emergency?”

It was none other than Leon Scott Kennedy. 


	3. Give my dude some steak

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Piers wants some fucking steak

Piers waited at a booth by himself, tired as fuck, reading the menu.

Who was he kidding.

They _fucking had steak._

He had had trouble finding a restaurant that could make steak the **right** way. 

Not a big ass brick with juice on it and the waiters would be like, “Bone Apple Teeth.”

A waitress came up to him. “Good evening, sir. What will you be having?” She asked.

“I’ll just have the steak.” He said while setting down the menu. 

“Ok.” She wrote it down his request in her notepad. “How would you like your steak?”

Without even thinking, still in his tired state, he said, “On a plate...?”

“No, how do you want it cooked?” She rubbed her temple in disbelief.

“On a stove?” 

“Get out.” 


	4. Wake up sleepy head

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Claire sees something she’s not supposed to see....

Claire had decided to get back at Chris for stealing her leftovers. She would go into his room and give him a rude awakening. 

Maybe even record it to laugh at later.

She was ready to do it. Already standing outside her brother’s room with a camera in her hand.

“I’m about to give my brother a rude awakening.” She whispered to the audience that was literally going to be nobody.

Claire slowly opened the door and flipped on the light.

“WAKE UP, SLEEPYHEAD!” She yelled. Chris flinched and rubbed his eyes. “Oh my god! Claire, you play too much!” 

Claire was too busy laughing. She stopped when she saw a head of messy blonde hair turn around behind her brother.

“Come on! What the fuck, Claire?!” She ran when she realized it was LEON. 

Claire just caught her BROTHER in bed with her FRIEND. 

_ON CAMERA._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Totally worth it though


	5. Albert the hand eater

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Chris and Wesker find a dead human in their house

“Wesker! There is a dead human in our house!” Chris called out. “Ohhh, heyyy....” Albert hid the fact that he was looking away behind his sunglasses.

“Weesskerrr, what did you do?!” 

“Who, me? I-I-I didn’t do this!” He was still denying it. 

“Explain what happened, Wesker!” He wasn’t fooling Chris. He knew that Albert had something to do with the random corpse in their dining room. 

“I never seen it before in my life.” 

“Why did you kill this person, Wesker?”

“I do not kill people. That is—that is my least favorite thing to do.” 

“What happened to his hands?” Chris asked.

“What was that you said?”

“His _hands_ _._ Why—why are they missing?”

“Well, uhhh, I kind of, uuh, cooked them up. And ate them.”

Chris was astonished. “WESKER.”

“Well, I—uuuh, I was hungry. And well, you know, when—when you crave hands, that’s—”

“Why on earth would you do that?!”

“I was hungry for hands! Give me a break!”

“WEESSSKKERRR.”

“My stomach was makin’ the rumblies.”

“WESKER!”

“That only hands would satisfy.”

“What is wrong with you, Wesker?!”

“Well, I-I kill people and I eat hands. That’s—that’s TWO things.”


	6. Hurricane

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Leon doesn’t give a fuck

Chris ran around their home frantically, looking for things that could help them both survive while Leon just sat there, having whiskey. 

“Leon, what are you doing?! There’s about to be a hurricane!” Chris yelled at his boyfriend, who wasn’t even fazed. 

He finally looked up from his glass. “As it should.” Were the words that left Leon’s mouth.

“What are you talking about?”

“Isn’t it obvious? No government, bitch!” 

“Bitch! We might die!”

“Do they have a government in heaven?”

“I don’t think so...?”

“Well, bitch... I don’t really see what the problem is here.”


End file.
